“If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it: but it is you, my companion, my close friend.” (Psalm 55: 12-13)
Have you ever been betrayed by your spouse? Your heart securely trusted in him only to find out that he was keeping secrets, actively lying about who he was—shattering marital vows and sacred intimacy with mental or physical infidelity.
I have experienced the agony of betrayal—and I am not sure if I have ever felt anything so brutal. As I write, tears well up in my eyes. How fresh the pain still is when I recall it. Although we can heal from these wounds, our minds, hearts and bodies still remember.
Betrayal is one of the most painful experiences a person can ever feel or experience. Being injured in this way, by the one we love, carries with it devastating consequences creating profound spiritual, emotional and physiological trauma that impacts us to our core.
As time goes on and we gain some distance from the damage, we can begin to grasp and conceptualize the reality of what happened with clearer eyes and less anguished hearts. We might even be able to peer inside the heart and mind of the other person giving us clues as to how it could have happened. This is not easy and requires God’s strength and help.
The hope is that from the very ashes of our agony, loss and brokenness, we can glean something precious and even beautiful from it to take along with us on our earthly journey.
As most of us have learned by now, life appears to spare no one from experiencing seasons of heartache, suffering and grief. The pain and disillusionment of it all can leave us stunned, paralyzed, and hopeless …or… we can grow from it.
I have humbly observed that as gut-wrenching as the experience of betrayal is, it can also provide the opportunity for growth and insight into our own hearts like nothing else. I believe it is because the experience and very nature of betrayal begs the questions to its victims: “Who are you now? What do you really believe about yourself? Are you in agreement with what this person’s actions have said and declared about who you are?”
In other words, the hidden treasure perhaps, in the midst of devastating betrayal, is the open, fertile ground that is presented as the darkness erodes and light ushers in. For not only the refining of you as you emerge from the fire, but for the actual defining of you—the defining of your very identity as a woman in Christ.
Like many, in the early days false core beliefs and identity statements pummeled my heart relentlessly. I wasn’t good enough was the main message. It felt like the absolute truth–like it wasn’t even arguable. The messages swirled and reverberated within me moment by moment, day and night and there was little relief. People who have been betrayed know this all-out attack on one’s body, soul and psyche. For me, it required herculean acts of strength to even begin lifting myself out from the mire of these heavy distorted fallacies that sought to weaken me, break me down, swallow me up and render me useless and powerless. It was all out battle. It still is on some days.
I believe though that in my deepest, innermost being that I am free and secure in my identity in Christ today. I believe that someone else’s choices and actions were about them — not a reflection of me, my worth, or whether or not my personal attributes or character was “good enough”. In fact, throughout this broken process, God showed me the contrary. He must have known that I desperately needed the answers to these core identity questions—were they true? My tattered, beaten up soul needed them like water and air. In the inferno of my pain He revealed to me precious gems about how He saw me. He saw me as precious, sweet, breathtakingly beautiful, worthy of love, faithfulness, gentleness, and worthy of being cherished. He revealed to me that I was always enough—more than enough. It was never in question. My value or worth was never on the chopping block. This thing was simply not about me.
He also used this opportunity to take me even deeper, further back to parts of my past traumas that still needed acknowledgment, attending to, insight, healing and repair. I truly marvel at the depth of the work He began and is doing in me even now through the pain and mess of betrayal. The irony is that I feel even more solid in who I am today than I did before it happened. What tried to break me only clarified me. It sharpened who I really was. To my utter shock I found that I was still standing after my worst nightmare happened and in this, He revealed to me my strength. I continue to grow as I help other women heal and learn who they are in Christ. It is a joy to me.
The Lord’s words for me then and now are this: “Angela, your identity is in me and who I say you are. That is who you are. Man looks on outward appearance but I look at your heart. I created you. I see you. I hear you. I know you. You are secure in me. “
I believe that this is God’s heart for His precious daughters.
The truth is that He can use and redeem every act of hurt or abuse that was ever done against us. No, we didn’t deserve it. No, he never wanted that for us. It hurts him deeply that we were hurt. If we experience betrayal though, it will not be in vain. He will use it for our good. He will reveal to us the answers we need. He will show us who we are when we are tempted to forget or believe lies from the enemy. He will bandage us up and heal us. He will mend the broken places and make us straight and secure. He will heal us and free us.
“He makes all things beautiful in His time.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
