As I continue to seek healing and stay in the Lord’s refining process, I have learned not to avoid the fires of conflict. Refining conversations are rarely fun, but they can accelerate growth with life-changing effects. The people in my life who have risked much to be honest and transparent are the relationships I value most. The healing process is never fun or easy, but it is crucial for building trust as both parties move forward.
There are a few people who simply refuse to engage. They refuse to have the hard conversation and walk away instead, writing off the relationship without ever communicating why. Have you ever experienced it? To me, it feels like being tried, convicted, and sentenced without having a chance to hear the full complaint or having a voice in court. It leaves a gaping hole filled with question marks.
I understand that some people might be too fragile (or unhealthy in some way) to endure a refining conversation. These talks can become messy. It’s risky. I’ve learned the end result is worth the discomfort and mess, and I’m saddened by those who choose not to take the risk. Granted, there are those who might, in their un-health, turn our well-meant challenge back on us. But if we assume everyone is like this, we’ll miss God-given opportunities to grow. The key is to at least try. No one likes to have their weaknesses identified and very few can listen without justifying their position. But the ones who can will ponder what we’ve said. Refining fire is uncomfortable, but if we’re changed by it, the risk was worthwhile.
I would like to say I listen calmly and respond with grace every time. The fact is: I don’t always respond well in the moment. I do, however, take the time to pray, ask God to show me what I need to see, and then think about it over a period of time before revisiting the issue with the person. When I know and trust the person, their words are given all the more weight. There’s a world of difference between words flung at me to hurt and the comments from someone who cares about me and has considered my heart before speaking. As the Lord leads, I try to discern how to take responsibility for whatever wrong is mine.
This is the messy part. It takes time to sift through the rubble when both people’s feelings have been bruised. I have found that most misunderstandings involve missing information that makes a difference once it is revealed. Assumptions are another road block that must be removed, and it often takes more than one conversation to discover the key offenders. This is the hard but good work that enriches relationships. Like a tree that’s endured many storms, its roots grow deep.
As our culture moves at the pace of abbreviated texts and tweets, I feel like our overall communication is eroding. How long has it been since you have had a face-to-face, deep conversations? This type of connection is crucial to lasting relationships. It is so easy to judge those with different opinions through a tweet, post, or click. We see enemies in our “feed” and are on the defensive. Why not assume the best in people and hope the majority of people have good intentions—and engage them in a real conversation?
So the next time someone takes the risk to share something you have done that was hurtful, take breath, try to listen, and then consider the Lord might be using the situation to refine you. Very few people intentionally wound others, so do the hard work of getting to the bottom of the issue. Assume the person has your best in mind and perhaps both people can grow in the process. As for those who walk away, pray for them and hope for the day they can come and share the information I am missing. If you’ve been hurt by someone, take the risk and talk with them about it. Remember, you can only change yourself and try to train others how to treat you. Refining is a process that makes us beautiful in His time.
