Betrayal Trauma: The Struggle to Cope

You have been betrayed in your marriage. Whether from a hidden sex addiction, porn, or infidelity, you are feeling devastated from the pain. Do you now find yourself struggling to cope with the daily tasks that once felt easy? Or has your physical health has gone downhill? Is your spouse is still relapsing and acting out? Or not understanding the emotional pain you are in?

You may think, “How do I even begin to cope?”

The A.P.A. (American Psychological Association) defines trauma as an emotional response to a terrible and traumatic event. Many of us often think that a traumatic event must be relegated to only extreme, isolated, and life-changing experiences: such as war, extreme physical or sexual abuse, etc.

Yet, when we have experienced betrayal in a relationship, we know there must be more to it.

WHAT IS BETRAYAL TRAUMA?

Partner Betrayal Trauma as defined by Dr. Doug Weiss, is a specific form of trauma that occurs within relationships by your partner or significant other (1). Trust is broken, and the life you knew is utterly destroyed.  You feel out of control and powerless.

Related Post: Betrayal and Identity

WHAT AREAS OF MY LIFE DOES TRAUMA IMPACT?

The impact on the betrayed spouse varies because each betrayal situation is different. However, Weiss has defined six major areas that are affected because of betrayal. This list includes emotional, spiritual, social, physical, sexual and financial betrayal.

• EMOTIONALLY:

  Relationships are bound deeply in emotion. We share love, memories, hopes, dreams, commitment, struggles, etc. All our emotions are tied to them.  When your partner disregards them through betrayal, you are left feeling abandoned, like your heart had little or no value him… In essence, they chose to abandon your heart.

• SPIRITUALLY:

  Our beliefs make up who we are and our moral values.  Regardless of our spiritual backgrounds, our spirits are a very real part of us that influence our relationships. Often, the spirit inside you is the first thing to sense that something is off in the relationship. Spiritual betrayal is deeper than physical pain, because it is tied to the core of who we are. Thus, your partner disregarded your spirit and your beliefs.

• SOCIALLY:

  We function with our spouses as a social unit: we go out together as a couple, take vacations, and enjoy the same activities. Now you wonder how other people think of you two. You may distance yourself for protection and avoid certain things because it reminds you of what happened. The betrayal has broken your social unit and environment.

• PHYSICALLY:

  All our experiences affect our physical bodies. When we go through trauma, our body goes through it too. How each person responds is different. Regardless, the end result damages your self-image.

• SEXUALLY:

  Sex is the most intimate act between two people. When this sacred area is violated, it can have the deepest and most traumatic impact. Responses vary—you become numb, try to “fix it,” become hypersexual, triggered by panic attacks, feel empty during the act, etc. The result is your spouse has rejected your sexual beauty.

• FINANCIALLY:

  Many couples merge their finances. Betrayal may come at a cost in the form of money, time, resources or commodities.  Money spent behind your back impacts both your lives.  This might also include losing a job, career or delaying retirement.  The economic impact on you and your children’s lives can span years or decades.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR ME?

While the details of your betrayal are unique to you, the effects of partner betrayal trauma are real (2). But thankfully, there are resources and support available to you. Some first steps might look like:

• Seek a licensed counselor who understands sex addiction and trauma.
• Join a support group like our Healing Hope Groups.
• Establish self-care routines that support you physically, emotionally and spiritually.
• Set up healthy boundaries to create a safe place for you to begin to heal.

Related Post: Safe People

You are worth recovery and healing! Our committed facilitators are here to partner with you in the healing process.  Call today and sign up for our next confidential Healing Hope Group.

Check out our previous blog PVC (Personal Vessels for Christ)

If you are dealing with the trauma of betrayal, our staff and facilitators are here to walk with you through it. Message us today at [email protected] or join a Healing Hope Group.