THE SHOCKWAVE
“I had an affair.”
That statement literally felt like the equivalent of falling off of a 10-story building. It did not help that while I was being told this, I was driving on HWY 14 with my 5-month-old son in the backseat. The world seemed to stand still. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Immediately, tears started flowing, then anger. I did not know whether to cry or scream… From what I can remember, I did a lot of both.
The next few hours felt like years. I was in a state of total shock and disbelief; yet I still had to get dinner on the table for my kids. We mustered through the night and scheduled a meeting with our pastor. I needed something to hold on to–someone to tell me what to do, or how to feel. I felt helpless.
Our relationship had never been perfect. We just had our third child, had moved the whole family from the San Francisco Bay Area to the Pacific Northwest, and had no family close by. It was tough, but I thought, “Well we have our house now, we have the car we want, we have the perfect social media life—so everything must be fine…right?”
Boy, I was wrong.
In the past, I had suspicions that my husband had been unfaithful, but I always denied it or rationalized with myself that it could not be true. Also, he was really good at gaslighting, which made me feel like I was the crazy one. Or, he would flip the accusations back on me, causing me to feel that even talking to a male coworker would be “cheating.”
Related Post: Psychology Today Article on Gaslighting
COMING CLEAN
The admission of the affair came after a week of him barely talking to me. Now looking back, it was apparent whenever he was cheating or lying. During those times I just thought it was another phase of our marriage. One day, I finally gave him an ultimatum. I told him I was tired of living in this limbo state and begged him to talk to me. “Either tell me what is going on, or we need to move forward with a separation, because it is becoming an unhealthy environment for the kids with our constant arguing.”
He finally admitted, “I had an affair.”
IN DENIAL
I found it easier to stay in denial then to think of this other life that he was living. The only person I talked to was my counselor. Ashamed of what had happened, I could not admit that my husband had cheated on me. I felt
embarrassed and fearful of what others would think about me. I also thought I was protecting our family. Potentially sharing with someone who was not safe and have it get back to the kids was terrifying. I continued living this way for many years. Even my friends and family were hidden from my reality. I thought, “If I posted happy pictures on Facebook, that meant everything
would be ok, right!?”
Over the next few years, we had many ups and downs in our marriage. Despite threatening divorce and scheduling an actual move-out date, we still kept trying to hold it together. However, my husband had never been fully truthful in his disclosure. So the addictions to porn, alcohol, and sex continued to haunt him until he repeated the cycle of lying and betrayal.
INCOMPLETE DISCLOSURE
If you find yourself in a similar cycle, push for a full disclosure. Having the full truth out in the open is the only way for both to start fresh, break free from the strongholds, and begin to heal. It is never easy, but it is a foundational step in moving forward.
When the initial impact of betrayal and/or disclosure occurs, take it one day at a time. Sometimes, even one minute at a time. Make sure you have a trusted friend or support group who knows what you are dealing with and can listen. When I got to the point where I was ready to talk about my situation, I was fortunate to find a support group (Hope after Betrayal), and form new friendships with others experiencing the pain of betrayal.
Related Post: Formal Disclosure
BEGINNING TO HEAL
Everyone’s journey is different. Mine continued up and down with different reconciliations, time apart, and back together again. This blog is a 3-part series of healing from betrayal and God’s redemption for my story.
This is not a story that ends in reconciliation and healing for my marriage, but rather, it starts with our divorce. The one thing that I was most fearful of was being a single mom of four kids. I thought, “Surely, I will never survive this.”
It also took me a long time to understand that none of his affairs were my fault. It was his choice to lie, cheat, and continuously hurt me. God knew what was going on the whole time and always revealed the truth even though betrayal was the hardest thing in my life. This is never what He intended for my husband or for me. He did not create marriage to be this way, but He was there to pick up the pieces.
My counselor would often tell me during this time, “God will bless you in so many ways…” During that season, I could not believe my counselor.
In spite of the insurmountable challenges of my reality, God most certainly did. I got a job that was perfect for my schedule with the kiddos, and it has sustained us enough to stay in our home. God also blessed me with great friends, health, and an amazing family. And the blessings just keep coming. – blog written by Julia M.
“He bestows on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” – Isaiah 61:3 NIV
(Blog written by Julia M.)
Healing From Divorce: Blog Part 2 will continue my healing journey as we navigated divorce.
If you are dealing with the trauma of betrayal, our staff and facilitators are here to walk with you through it. Message us today at [email protected] or join a Healing Hope Group.
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