Leaving
The day we decided my husband would move out was January 25th—the day after my son’s birthday. As I sat there with my three-month-old baby, he seemed so eager to pack his things and leave. At that point, I felt as though I was only floating through the day. I was not sure if it was just my lack of sleep or the shock that this was actually happening. I remember being paralyzed with fear.
How would I survive as a single mom of 4 kids? How would I do it alone?
Firsts
I remember all my firsts—the first night sleeping without him in the house, the first night my kids were not home with me because he had them for the night… The firsts were the hardest part. I did my fair share of over planning, over exercising, and just staying busy to avoid sitting in the silence.
Transitioning back and forth from a bustling four-kid home to just me was rough. The devil knew where to find me when I was alone in my silence, and he took a strong hold at times. He would start with the lies—
” You will be alone forever!” “You are not good enough!” “You are the only one who is going through this!”
Then a heavy depression would set in. Eventually, I started to realize that before those moments overwhelmed me I could begin focusing on self-care outlets.
Survival
I immediately went into survival mode and surrounded myself with what I considered like-minded friends (other single moms). I found great comfort in the Bible, books on divorce, and Lysa TerKeurst’s book, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way. Whether I took a long walk or went to breakfast with a friend, I learned to fill the time as I adjusted to my new normal.
I even downloaded a dating app or two (NOT RECOMMENDED—IT WAS WAY TOO EARLY).
As time passed, I began to see that many things in my life were working out in God’s timing, but I was still definitely angry.
Wise Counsel
One day, I asked my amazing therapist, “If there is a God, how could He do this to me and my kids? Why couldn’t I have been the one to be in the ‘saved marriage’? Why? Why? Why?”
She answered, “God did not intend this for you, but your husband had a choice, and he chose not to follow God’s plan.” She also said, “The Father will bless you beyond belief, because you are now His widowed.”
SURE… I thought to myself.
Related Link: Focus on the Family Counselor Network
Growing
Slowly, the blessings I could not explain began to come true. I found a job that allowed me to work from home and paid well; I began to develop strong friendships and relationships that poured into my heart; and eventually, I was able to fully put my trust back in God.
I knew that I could trust Him in all circumstances, even when it felt like things or relationships were not working out. He was intimately involved in my journey, and I knew His Will was always best for me.
Related Post: Guest Blog by Stefanie Marek
Going Forward
If you find yourself in the same situation I was in, take it day by day, sometimes minute by minute. Allow yourself to find the things that bring you joy, such as fresh flowers, long walks, etc. I began hiking and kayaking and found that nature was a place of healing for me.
I began to see and feel God in those spaces even though I had been mad at Him for a while. Let me tell you—He can take it!
I encourage you to not stuff your emotions. Embrace the ups and downs. Cry, scream, or laugh; it is all part of the process. Some days you will realize you cannot take another single step, and other days you will feel like you actually did not spend the whole day thinking about your situation.
I promise that you will grow the most in this hard season. Trust the process that God has for you.
Remember Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.
(Blog written by Julia M.)
Healing From Divorce: Blog Part 3 will continue my healing journey as a single mother learning to walk in hope, resilience, and strength.
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