“I sat there stunned, scrolling through his browsing history as image after image showed a slew of underdressed athletes in suggestive poses for the camera. The familiar feelings of betrayal struck a chord in my heart as it seemed yet again, he was choosing to look for self-gratification in places other than his wife. The troubling fact was, he had only shared a few days prior about how he was doing so well in protecting his eyes and thought life.
Shaking, I woke him up and confronted him with the images from his search history. “Why have you been looking up these athletes’ photos? These pictures are highly suggestive—you just said that you had been doing well in your recovery…”
“This isn’t porn, I haven’t watched a single video since I first shared with you. Why are you so upset??” he replied defensively…
Tears streaming, my body shaking… how do I communicate how this makes me feel? How can I get him to understand that this is not ok with me?
Aligning Perspectives
Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation while in the process of addiction recovery and restoration in your relationship?
As you know—healing a relationship, especially from betrayal, is a long and arduous process with many potential bumps along the way. Some of these bumps occur because of misunderstandings, miscommunications, or having misaligned perspectives on what someone’s actions mean. For example, one spouse may see pornography as encompassing a larger scope of media than the offending spouse may initially. One may deem the above scenario as “Acting Out” while one’s spouse believes it to be merely a slight “Lapse” in judgement.
Related Post: Betrayal and Identity: Who Are You….Really?
Below is compiled a list of words that you and your spouse might have differing definitions or perspectives about:
Definitions
| ◊ Pornography: | ◊ Relapse: |
| ◊ Lapse (In Judgement): | ◊ Slip: |
| ◊ Acting Out: | ◊ Transparency: |
| ◊ Formal Disclosure | ◊ Emotional/Verbal Abuse |
| ◊ What Is Infidelity/Cheating | ◊ Building Trust |
| ◊ Omission vs. Lying | ◊ Vulnerability: |
| ◊ Safety: | ◊ Gaslighting: |
| ◊ Attunement: | ◊ Boundaries: |
Couples Exercise
As an exercise to help align perspectives, sit down by yourself and write out your definitions to each of these words. Have your spouse also separately write up their definitions of these words. Then take turns reading the personal definitions aloud to each other. If you have not discussed these topics before, you may discover some differences. For example, perhaps your spouse determines that “Acting Out” is the action of choosing to look at inappropriate images/videos or being inappropriately involved with someone. However, perhaps you consider “Acting Out” as not only what your spouse said, but also as choosing unhealthy outlets for one’s emotions and one’s time rather than building connection and transparency.
Whatever the case, it is important to talk through those areas where perspectives differ, and come into alignment. Then, build boundaries that you both can agree on. There may even be other words that come to mind that you can add into this exercise.
Aligning perspectives and setting clear boundaries in place are essential in the healing process. Hopefully this exercise can help stimulate the conversation and provide opportunity to build trust and heal together.
Related Post: Good Intentions, Gone Bad
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