Guest Blog by Hilarie Barry
Facing Infidelity 
“I lay at the bottom of a dark pit, trembling, frightened, alone.
I’m lost. What happened? Where’s Joe?
Joe! My eyes flashed open and it all came rushing back, first the memories, then the knot in my stomach. It wasn’t a dream. My life had become a nightmare.
It was Christmas 2013 when my husband and I drove from Ohio to New Jersey. We planned to celebrate the holiday with my three daughters. I hummed Christmas songs as I drove along Route 80 in Pennsylvania, enjoying the snow-covered countryside. Joe, oblivious to the winter scenery, leaned close to his phone, intent on his text conversation.
I assumed it was one of the kids. “Who’ve you got?”
“It’s just Cindy.” His thumbs continued to dance across the screen. Cindy was a friend of ours.
“What’s she have to say?” When I asked that, something happened, maybe a hesitation or a shift in his body. I glanced at him. Something wasn’t right.
That night after Joe fell asleep, I read his text conversation with Cindy and my world shattered. My beautiful life disappeared. For twelve years I had never doubted I could trust Joe in all things. Now he was a man I didn’t know, and he was having an affair.
Trembling, I woke Joe and confronted him. I waited for him to fix it, to tell me I was wrong, that it was all a mistake. The room stilled, a momentary, stunned silence.
Then I erupted into motion.
Cyclone of Rage
I grabbed his car keys, slipped into my shoes and was out the door and down the stairs before he could stop me. No longer in control, I let the front door bang as a cyclone of rage engulfed me. I drove around screaming. When my rage was spent I returned to the house. Through the holiday we pretended everything was fine. I didn’t want the girls to know what Joe had done.
Back in Ohio, I rolled through my days on an endless rollercoaster of agonizing pain, unwarranted love, fear of loss, and a mind-numbing fog. I often wailed and sobbed while driving to work. I’d walked into the school building where I taught children with special needs and numbly drift through my days doing only what was necessary to stay upright.
Initially, I didn’t understand the severity of Joe’s brokenness or the effort it would take for him to gain freedom. As it turned out, the affair was only part of the betrayal that had been going on for most of our marriage. It took close to a year for it all to come out. Each time he shared another layer of secrets, he felt lighter and the burden became mine. I lived in fear, noticing every woman or image that threatened to steal my husband’s eyes and thoughts. I didn’t eat or sleep much and cried constantly. Every relationship I had was compromised because now I carried Joe’s secrets.
Related Post: Guest Blog: Rescued from the Cave of Betrayal
Listening to His Whispers
I did not typically attend church, but while visiting my brother that winter, I went with him to a service and something caught my attention. The pastor told a story of God asking Abram to pack up his family and leave all that was familiar. Abram had no idea where God wanted him to go, but he did as he was told.
“Do you trust God with your journey?” the pastor asked. “Or do you insist on being in control?”
I was so desperate I wondered if God could fix my mess. Joe and I found a church similar to the one I had visited with my brother. It was confusing at first. The songs and teachings suggested I could find comfort in God although I couldn’t imagine how. Some sermons were exactly what Joe and I needed to hear, as if the pastor knew about our situation. We continued to visit the church and we listened.
I journaled obsessively from the first day of discovery, trying to make sense of the craziness in my head. The writing helped. Things were changing. Sometimes I noticed a voice in my writing that wasn’t my own. At other times I heard whispers in my heart. You are going to be okay, Baby Girl. Be still and think of me.
My spinning thoughts would quiet as I puzzled over the source of the words. Understanding dawned. God was here. He would keep me safe.
Biggest Fear
God spoke loudly when we were ten months into our journey. I came home from a women’s retreat and found pornography on Joe’s computer. How could he do this after all our hard work to reestablish trust?
Joe was slipping. I was ready to dive into the pit of darkness again. My thoughts cycled through fear, anger, and panic, and then a sudden wave of peace washed over me. Something inside of me had shifted. I was going to be okay. I sat quietly, waiting for Joe to come home.
When I confronted Joe, he admitted that he had also contacted his affair partner. We fought with a torrent of angry words. Finally, Joe put his face in his hands and wept, “My biggest fear is losing you.”
In the middle of the night I sat at the kitchen table writing. These words came through my hands. He can’t tell you the truth because he is afraid you will leave him. Make him understand you love him unconditionally and will never leave.
Miracle Day
I call this my Miracle Day. God was here and he would fix this. I told Joe I loved him and that I would never leave him. I asked only one thing, that he continue to tell the truth. I knew the truth would be painful, but Joe was fighting a battle with temptation. Truth was the only way for him to gain freedom and to rebuild trust in our marriage. I would do my best to support him if would just tell the truth.
That weekend was the true beginning of our healing. The brokenness was no longer locked up tight on the other side of that awful December. It had followed us into this new life we were trying to build. The journey forward wouldn’t be easy, but we weren’t alone. We had God in our marriage, and he would keep us safe.
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Community
A new friend told me about 180, a Christian group for men who want freedom from sexual brokenness. Joe went to his first meeting that Monday. Soon after, I found a women’s group. Things moved quickly for both of us once we found support. We had struggled for almost a year on our own. Now we had help from people who understood our journey.
In community, our faith grew. On Easter morning, Joe got down on one knee and asked me to marry him as a new man in Christ. I wrapped my arms around him and cried.
Yes, I would marry this man again. On Labor Day weekend, seventy-five people came to our home to witness our vow renewal. We stood before our family and friends and vowed to hold God at the center of our marriage. We would trust Him to keep us safe.
One evening Joe muted the TV. “Hil, I don’t think God is healing me so I can sit here watching football. I think He wants me to get out and help other men.”
I agreed. Our marriage would not have survived without the help we received from our groups. It was time to help others. We spoke with our pastor about starting support groups for both men and women.
Stepping Out in Faith
I developed a format for our women’s group and decided to use a book to guide our discussions. I had read and reread many books during that two-year period. One book in particular supported my need for validation, gave me hope and taught me to look for God’s truth. I knew that Hope After Betrayal by Meg Wilson, would be an invaluable resource for the women in my group.
With a huge dose of courage from God, I contacted Meg and told her my plans for a new group. She was thrilled. She had recently developed a leader’s guide to help women start Healing Hope groups. Meg gave me everything I needed including an assurance that God would be with me in my efforts to help these women.
Six months later our church leaders gave us the go-ahead. On July 14, 2016, a beautiful rainbow filled the sky as I drove to Delaware Grace Church for our first women’s meeting. There were three of us in attendance and God was there. Joe’s 180 men’s group held their first meeting that August. Today, both groups continue to help individuals and couples find healing and a closer relationship with God.
Gods’ Grace
Three years after our challenging journey began, Joe and I sat on the couch wearing red and black plaid pajamas. It was another Christmas and all seven of our children and their families were home for the holiday. It was the first time they had all been together in eight years. Our kids were grateful that our marriage and family had survived infidelity. Joe and I held hands and gave thanks for the miracle of God’s grace in our lives.” – Written by Hilarie Barry. You can find her book, We Survived Infidelity, on Amazon or visit her website at www.hilariebarry.com
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
If you have been cheated on, or are dealing with the feelings of betrayal, our staff and facilitators are here to walk with you through it. Message us today at [email protected] or join a Healing Hope Group.
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